Tonight, admittedly under the influence of a few glasses of vodka and juice, I decided to watch The Hotel Chevalier, written and directed by Wes Anderson. Checking the Internet Movie Database’s forums, one can see that many thought that the short film The Hotel Chevalier was self-indulgent crap. I respectfully disagree. And now, I shall watch it, again, under the influence, and blog my observations via Windows Live Writer.
Meta-note: I’m drinking while watching the film, though when you read this, dear reader, I will not be drunk. I have no internet connection of my own, so I’m saving this to my computer and posting it tomorrow, which to you will be today. It’s kind of like time-travel, in that way.
Meta-note 2: Virginia Woolf, if alive today, might say: “A woman must have money and an internet connection of one’s own if she is to write a blog.” As a true feminist, I would amend “woman” to “person,” as men and women should be equal.
Meta-note 3: This will all be pretty funny once I’m sober, so save for a few fact-checking things, I shall not edit this post before posting it.
Meta-note 4: Yes; when I’m tipsy, I use phrases like “so save for a few” and “I shall not.” I was an English major for 9 years, and I tutor writing. It takes effort for me to not talk like that. It’s how I think.
Meta-note 5: The Hotel Chevalier is a short film that is on the DVD of The Darjeeling Limited. If you have never seen it, read this post, then see it (or vice-versa) and take the following comments into consideration.
1) The Otter will tell you that I love The Hotel Chevalier because you get to see Natalie Portman naked (well, she never takes her socks off, so nearly naked). However, I am not a huge fan of Portman, naked or otherwise, though she was awesome in The Professional.
2)The yellow color scheme is awesome and feels immediately like a Wes Anderson project. Robert Yeoman, the director of photography, was sent to earth by divinity itself in order to help Wes Anderson make movies that I would love. He has NEVER let me down. Also, though I am a pagan myself (well, a semi-practicing, non-traditional neo-pagan/chaos magician), I would like to say that Pope Benedict-whatever-number-he-is should put the guy who invented the Futura font on the fast-track to sainthood. Like, now.
3)Portman is awesome on the phone. She manages to be both menacing and teasing when she asks “Can I come there"?” (or is it “Can I cum there?” ?) , she is very unsettling. Jason Schwartzman (who, if a movie were ever made about my life, I fucking kid you not, would by my first choice to play me) really looks terrified when he realizes who he’s talking to. He sells that shit.
4) Peter Sarstedt’s “Where Do You Go to My Lovely” is the PERFECT soundtrack for this short piece. When the girlfriend (AKA Portman) asks “What’s this music,” I hate her. Hate’s a strong word, so I’ll use it. I hate her. She’s a bitch right from the start. Bitch is a strong word. You’re goddamn right it is.
5)And who the hell is she talking to on the phone as she walks in to destroy Jack’s (Schwartzman’s) life? It’s like this meeting is not important. It’s just a thing.
6)The almost-kiss-but-only-a-hug reminds me of Richie and Margot Tennenbaum in The Royal Tenenbaums. I’m 100% sure this is intentional, which begs the question, “Wes Anderson…what happened in your life that makes you write such heartbreaking scenes?”
7)Wes Anderson, every movie you make breaks my heart. Is this what you want?
8)If it is, I can live with that. Also, I relate to Richie Tenenbaum on so many levels that if I told you in person, you would probably get a restraining order against me. I wouldn’t blame you, though. I scare myself sometimes. Do not worry, however; I’m not going to attempt suicide. I’ve been there, it wasn’t good, and I’ll never be in that place again, I swear to fucking god I won’t.
9)I’m not tipsy. I am drunk.
10) This is either the greatest or worst blog post ever.
11) I just imagined myself asking my friend Jayson if I sound like a twat, so I guess that Jayson has become some sort of moral compass for me. I’m not sure how I feel about this fact, bit you da man, Jayson, and you are not a hater, despite what others may think. You da fuckin’ man.
12) tHIS IS THE GREATEST POST EVER. That was in caps lock accidentally, but you only live once, or twice, if that awesome song that has absolutely nothing to do with this film is to believed so I’ll play it as it lay.
13)Back to this movie, whatever-the-fuck-it-is.
14)Jack has constructed a little world of order in his room. His ex-girlfriend is disrupting his world by moving his stuff.
15)The music box plays “Les Champs Elysees,” which is one of the closing credits songs of The Darjeeling Limited. I bow before you, Mr. Anderson.
16) My apartment is kind of spinning, which is odd. Usually, it doesn’t move at all. It’s part of the reason I moved here, actually.
17)Although I am not a fan off Ms. Portman, the short hair is nice. And by nice, I mean hot.
18) The girlfriend takes Jack’s world that he has created and disrupts it. She even uses his toothbrush. Bitch.
19) I’m on 19?
20) Why isn’t Luke Wilson playing the part of Jack?
21)Seriously, the short hair works for Portman.
20-something)Bloody Marys? Richie Tennenbaum drinks those. Again, I think it’s intentional.
20-something-else) OK…when Jack takes his ex’s boots, then pants, off, it’s freaking hot.
Whatever-number-I’m-too-drunk-to record) Bruises? WTF?
Number-after-that) Detractors, I say to you that this short piece has some of the best dialogue in a Wes Anderson film, so you’d better recognize:
GF: Have you slept with anyone?
Jack (pause): No. Have you?
GF (LOOOOONG pause): No.
Jack: That was a long pause. I guess it doesn’t really matter.
GF: No, it doesn’t.
(After making out)
Jack: You’ve got bruises on your body.
GF: Whatever happens in the end, I don’t want to lose you as my friend.
Jack: I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.
GF: If we fuck, I’m going to feel like shit tomorrow.
Jack: That’s OK with me.
GF: I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.
Jack: I don’t care.
AFTER A PAUSE …
Jack: Want to see my view of Paris?
GF: (After a pause): OK.
Seriously, I will never write anything as emotionally resonate as that. No matter what. Ever.