Dear students,

Dear students,

I realize you are stressed out. It’s the end of the semester, and you’re just now starting all those research papers that you’ve known about since the beginning of the semester. However, there are a few things I’d like to say:

1) You do not own me. If you schedule an appointment with me for 1:30, and then I take a lunch break at 1:00, do not come in at 1:10 and get mad at me for not leaving my lunch break to help you. I need to eat; I am not a robot.

2) If your paper has to be in APA format, and your textbook has a section all about APA format, LOOK AT IT. Do not come to me with a paper where the only citation you have is URLs in parenthesis and tell me, “Well, the instructor told me it had to be in APA, but she didn’t say anything about a reference page.” YES. SHE. DID. That’s what APA format means, and if you had opened your fucking book, you would know that. On top of that, if all you have is the URL, I can’t even help you, because I need to know a) the author, b)the date of the last update, and c) when you looked at it, at the very least.

3) If you are writing a 6 page research/argument paper, and your only support for your opinion is “God said so,” the “F” you get is not because anyone is picking on your religion. You may use a religious argument, but back it up with some science or something. If your audience doesn’t believe in your religion, your religious argument will do nothing to convince them.

4) Likewise, if you are writing a narritive about something that happened in your life, don’t start by saying, “The Bible saved my life,” and then start quoting the Bible for 3 pages. If you want to write about the Bible saving you, tell us about how it saved you. What were you doing before you found your religion? Tell us about the moment you had your epiphany. That is interesting. Quoting the Bible for 3 pages is not a narrative, and it is certainly not interesting.

5) On the topic of religion, please do not write that people aren’t allowed to pray in schools. You are. Schools just can’t designate “prayer time.” Why not? Different religions have different requirements for prayer, and saying “we will pray now, and everyone else can put their heads down” is just like saying, “Christian prayer is the only form that matters.” It alienates everyone else.

6) Please do not tell me that your professor, who, BTW, is my friend and is one of the nicest people I know, is a douchebag. She’s not. You are just angry because, even though there are millions of places you could get information for your 6 page research paper, you insist on getting it from Wikipedia even though she specifically told you not to. No, Wikipedia is not a “scholarly source.” So shut up.

7)If you are required by your professor to come into the writing center 5 times during the semester, this does not mean “5 times in the last week of the semester.” If you do this, I’m not really helping you because you’ve already turned in most of your papers.

8 No, I won’t write your paper, so don’t ask me, “What should I write here?”

9) No, I didn’t catch all your grammar mistakes. I showed you what kinds of errors kept coming up, then sent you on your way. Why did I do that? Well, because all that stuff you ignored me saying about the content and structure was actually what was improtant, and we are not a proofreading service. And I told you that.

10) I said no. I will not write your paper.

11) I understand you have a disability that prevents you from typing well. However, don’t get mad at me. We are not a typing service. There is a service for that; go down to disability services and they will hook you up. Besides, I saw you chatting on the computers in the other lab, which is probably why no one has been assigned to you.

I’m sure there are other issues, too, but I don’t want to bombard you with things to fix. you’ve got enough to think about now as it is.

Sincerely,

His Holiness, the Pope jaynova
High pontiff of the Most High and Holy Church of jaynova

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4 Responses to “Dear students,”

  1. Omg this was hilarious. The hilarity came from the trueness of your experience.

    Will you write my next blog post?

  2. 3. Is why I thought Tomas Aquinas and St. Anselm sucked, although I’ve gone on to name individual computers I’ve built after them.

    6. Is she cute? Single?

    If you want a I’ll print up a special version of Walter that says “Too Late…”

  3. *grins* you sound a little frustrated in a few of those. So I guess you won’t type my papers, either?

    Stick to your guns.

  4. Too funny. Also my experience in a slightly different environment and context.

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